That time when the taoists went to Eientei
by carthag
Summary: Full title is: That time when the taoists went to Eientei to offer the secrets of immortality. Short story. Anything I add to it only makes it less funny.


Toyosatomimi no Miko had awakened at least, and right when she was most needed: The land, dominated by youkai, was in grave danger.

The Prince surveyed the land: vampires living unbothered; gods working together with mountain youkai; an entire temple of youkai buddhists! She shook her head, sadly, but that only strengthened her purpose. Humanity needed to be united by a guide, again.

As a quick aside, do you know how people parody Hollywood's tendency to create impossibly cheesy enemies and come with something like "Nazi Communists"? Shit like that never happens in reality, right?

"Youkai... Buddhists..." Mononobe no Futo repeated, pure disgust in her voice, as their small group went down the dirt road, seeing the Myouren temple at a distance. From the temple, a green haired, dog eared youkai shouted something at them, waving both arms happily. It was the most famous verses of a very famous Buddhist sutra. Futo winced at that, then glanced at her Prince, who kept in an obstinate silence, looking straight ahead. Miko was acting as if the Myouren temple didn't exist, which given her powers, was particularly sad.

Kaku Seiga opened one of her eyes, glaring at that cursed wooden edifice, a ship mockingly landed on earth. "If only lightning could strike that abomination..."

"If only?" Soga no Tojiko inquired. She was trying to feed the Prince, which was quite a bit difficult since Miko didn't take her eyes from straight ahead. "My lord," the ghost asked "ask me so that I send the heaven's fury down that damned temple."

Miko ignored her. Tojiko got furious at that, and commanded the cloud over the temple to produce lightning. The cloud, instead, looked back to them, with a quizzical expression.

The taoists kept moving.

They travelled wearing their best clothes, in a wheeled, covered palanquin, moved in part by the rightful application of the principles of the Tao, in part by the zombie Miyako Yoshika, who pulled it mindlessly forward, as directed by Seiga. The objective of that trip loomed now before them, an endless sea of green, known as the Bamboo Forest of the Lost.

Deep inside the forest, they were told, existed a mystical place called the Eientei, or the House of Eternity. The Hakurei miko and that black and white clad magician had been pretty much 100% clear that the masters of that place were humans, not youkai: "Uh, sure, they have those bunnies there, but it's Eirin who keeps that place running."

"And this Eirin, what kind of being she is?" had inquired Futo (on the night before, at the Hakurei Shrine)

"Why, she's like you, or me!" said that uncouth magician. Futo then had glanced at Miko, and knew by her prince's expression that what it was the truth.

"And _what_, if I may ask, this Eirin does, exactly?"

"Pharmacist. She makes medicine." answered the shrine maiden. While that one didn't talk like a drunk dockworker, like her magician friend, she was terse, to a degree that would imply rudeness. It was almost like if she was bothered to host the prince and his court.

Miko's eyes opened when the shrine maiden said Eirin's profession. With an expression of surprise at first, the prince then narrowed her eyes and nodded knowingly to her most trusted advisor. Futo nodded back, they were both thinking the same thing:

"This Eirin is a human leader in this land, one who keeps even youkai under control, and she's a pharmacist! We know the alchemical processes to extend life indefinitely! Let's buy her eternal loyalty with these!"

Thus, the following morning arrived to find the Taoists moving with royal pomp to that sea of bamboo. They decided to start their travel early, after shrine maiden and magician's insistently talked about how that the bamboo forest was "like, huge!" and "a damn maze". Their advice to the Taoists were actually to the point of "Don't go there", but as Miko had explained to Futo afterwards, the hearts of those young girls had but a single desire when they said that: "Don't create trouble for us!"

"See my lord! Even with their limited knowledge, they can already foresee the troubles that our alliance with this Eientei will create for them and their youkai friends!"

Miko smiled, as Tojiko and Seiga gave her a massage required to keep her milenar body from decaying.

Finally, something resembling a decent plan.


End file.
